‘Madame Web’ and The Lazy Writer’s Guide to Bad Stories
Woof.
NEW STANDARD DISCLAIMER: This newsletter aggressively spoils things.
In the pantheon of “films famous for being terrible,” Madame Web holds a special rank simply because it is terrible in so many different ways1. I watched this so you didn’t have to, and I am intellectually poorer for the effort, but this is the life I have chosen and apparently it’s far too late to make any significant changes to my skill set, popularity, or competence, so here we are2.
Madame Web is an adaptation of comic books featuring the titular Madame Web, a supporting character in the rather sprawling Marvel Comicverse, Spiderman Edition. I don’t know much about comics3, so I can’t say how accurate the adaptation is, although I hope the answer is not very. Madame Web is Cassandra (Cassie) Webb (Dakota Johnson), whose mother, Constance (Kerry Bishé) died in childbirth while researching magic spiders in the jungles of Peru (that is a real sentence) after being betrayed by a man named Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim) who wanted to steal the spider for himself for ... reasons. Reasons that are never actually explained, aside from he obvious “powers” that he gains4. A secretive tribe called Las Arañas, who have spider powers, try to save Constance’s life with a magic spider bite, and do save Cassie.
Cassie grows up bitter, making her way through the foster system believing that her mother cared so little for her that she wouldn’t take a break from her work to give birth5. When she has a near-death experience while working as a paramedic in New York she starts to have visions of the future which lead her to try and protect three teenage girls (Julia, played by Sydney Sweeney, Anya, played by Isabela Merced, and Mattie, played by Celeste O'Connor). Ezekiel has seen visions of his future where the girls—dressed as superheroes—kill him, so he is determined to kill them first6.
Now, if you’re thinking, well, that isn’t the worst premise I’ve ever heard, trust me: They manage to make it so, in many ways.
When Your Heart Starts Back Up Again, You're Fine
Madame Web has a lot of problems, some of which would be a challenge for any writer to overcome7.
There’s the acting of course. Dakota Johnson plays her role like her method suggested that Cassandra Webb would be extremely tired, and reads her lines as if she learned them phonetically. It’s one of the most listless and disinterest performances you’ll see in a film that cost $100+ million8. And poor Tahar Rahim, whose every line of dialog was apparently (and very poorly) dubbed, the result sounding like someone used AI to approximate the sound of Tahar Rahim’s voice (and possibly wrote the lines themselves, which are pretty bad).
There’s the problem that all films using the “visions of possible futures” trope run into, which is a complete lack of tension. Once Cassie has a vision of something happening—all three of the teens getting violently murdered, for example9—the audience knows that’s exactly what won’t happen. Any time a character can see a changeable future you’ve got a challenge convincing your audience that anything matters, because they know instinctively that the story will just be a series of rug-pulls.
There’s the problem that Madame Web herself is a deadly passive protagonist. For most of the film she doesn’t have control of her abilities, leaving her to wait for the universe to send her information. Even when she knows what’s coming, her strategies tend towards the stand-around-and-wait-for-something-to-happen kind, like the final battle between her and Ezekiel, which pivots on Cassie waiting ... several minutes ... for something to fall on top of Ezekiel10.
There’s the problem that the film is really just an extended origin story for not just Cassie, but the three teenagers who will eventually be ... well, I am not a comics guy so who the hell knows? Superheroes of some sort. Heck, even Spiderman himself is just a newborn baby in this film. In the film’s current universe, none of these characters are terribly interesting or powerful or important11.
There’s the problem that Ezekiel’s plan is never adequately explained. What is he up to? Why will these eventual superheroes kill him in the future? You will never know12.
So, yes, a lot of problems. But the biggest problem is more fundamental: It’s just so fucking lazy.
If You Stop, They Die
Writing a story is all about suspension of disbelief, whether you’re telling a gritty, realistic crime narrative or a fanciful steampunk adventure. Your reader or viewer knows you’re lying to them, so you have to keep dancing and spinning plates to distract them13. The moment they see something dubious, it’s all over. At the core of it is artistry: If you can’t be bothered to pay attention to your own story, if you’re so bored with the details you just vaguely gesture at them, no one is going to go along for the ride with you.
Madame Web is pretty much all vague gestures:
Cassie is supposed to be an experienced paramedic, trusted by her peers and superiors. Her CPR technique is just infinite chest compressions, with no breathing support. The guidelines changed a few years ago to omit the breathing if you’re not trained for it—but this story is set long before those changes, and Cassie is trained for it. Yet she magically revives someone just by doing chest compressions (in a very bored manner) for an unknown period of time. And when she teaches the teenagers to do CPR, she literally tells them that they must simply do chest compressions forever, because if they stop, the person dies14.
At one point Cassie decides to attend the funeral of her boss after very dramatically failing to save his life (with about 3 seconds of—you guessed it!—chest compressions). Does she wear an appropriate outfit? Nah, she wears the same civilian clothes she always has on when not wearing her uniform. Because why would you ever change the clothes your main character wears? People might forget who she is15.
A lazy bit shared with a lot of other bad movies and TV shows has Cassie driving through New York City traffic while having a conversation with her new teenage hottie friends. And she spends so. much. time. not watching the road she probably killed at least three pedestrians16.
When she decides to take the girls somewhere for their protection, she drives them ... somewhere. A remote location in the woods that is also somehow walking distance from a diner and a highway. Where is this place? Who knows. The writers certainly don’t care17.
At one point Cassie travels to Peru to investigate Ezekiel and her mother’s death, and she just sort of casually walks out into the jungle wearing a tank top and following her mom’s 30-year old sketches. She has no equipment, no guide, and no hint of prior wilderness experience, yet she finds the precise spot she’s looking at without even breaking a sweat18.
Worst of all, there’s a lot of Moron Writing in this movie. Cassie and other characters repeat things and state the obvious all the time to ensure that all the morons in a hurry checking their phones while watching this movie (one sympathizes) will still understand what just happened.
I could go on, but I am now exhausted. Look, everyone knew this movie was terrible, but I watched it anyway. I have no one to blame but myself, do I19?
NEXT WEEK: Under the Skin and one perfect scene.
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Much like my fashion sense. I call my look “Dave".”
That moment when you wake up and realize you have committed yourself to a life of tapping at a keyboard and day drinking … and that’s it’s actually kind of awesome.
Or anything, really. And yet you’re reading this. WHO’S THE BIGGER FOOL, EH?
This film unironically uses the term “powers” so often you start to laugh a little each and every time.
Apparently Las Arañas, having gone through a lot of trouble to save Cassie, immediately lost interest and left her in a dumpster or something.
I mean, that logic is irrefutable. That’s why I am actively trying to kill about 76 people at all times, because my dreams tell me they will someday be my enemies. Possibly because I am trying to kill them. No system is perfect.
Not me, of course. Me literary genius, write all things gooder. Pay me?
If only Johnson had brought the energy and spark she brought to her Please Don’t Destroy performance, which crackles with dark energy.
Something you come to look forward to, believe me.
To be fair, this is my strategy in all physical confrontations. To be more fair, it never works.
Is “Not Terribly Interesting or Powerful or Important” the title of my memoir? <bursts into tears>
Or care, frankly.
Or, in my case, dropping F-bombs every other word so you look cool. I … I do look cool, don’t I?
If you never thought a lengthy scene of someone teaching teenage girls to do CPR poorly could be fascinating … congratulations, you were correct.
To be fair, considering Dakota Johnson’s performance here that is a very real danger.
There’s a whole essay in the incompetent way people pretend to drive in the movies.
The girls then walk to the diner for hamburgers and start dancing provocatively on a table for a group of teenage boys, as … as no actual teenage girl has ever done. Is Sydney Sweeney wearing a skirt so short you actually get glimpses of her underwear in some scenes? Why, yes, why do you ask?
It’s possible the character actually died horribly from exposure out there and the rest of the movies is her death dream. I very much wish this to be true.
And yet I somehow summon the strength to blame you.