‘No Hard Feelings’ and Fearing Your Premise
If you’re making an R-rated comedy, you should know better than backing off from the core idea that got you there.
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There was a time in recent memory when entertainment followed predictable patterns and a dimwitted soul such as myself could comprehend stuff1. Movies were released with predetermined fanfare depending on budget and star power, assuming they had at least minimal internal reviews. Then they stayed in theaters for a while, then trickled out to on-demand and pay cable channels, then slowly turned up on basic cable to be rerun in perpetuity at slightly faster speeds and slightly more commercials each time2.
Today, who the fuck knows3. Movies with huge stars are rolled out on streaming platforms, where they are #1 for three minutes and then vanish into the chum. Movies are released into theaters but are simultaneously (and confusingly) available on-demand4. Folks who seem like huge stars show up in really shitty films, and nothing makes sense any more.
Which brings us to No Hard Feelings5.
When this movie came out, I recall reading about the dire straits of Jennifer Lawrence’s career, because a couple of her starring roles had done soft numbers6. No Hard Feelings was a departure for the actress because it was a raunchy comedy about a 32-year old woman who agrees to seduce a 19-year old introvert in exchange for a car7. I mean, yes, Lawrence was the highest-paid actress in Hollywood just a few years ago, and she has a fucking Best Actress Oscar, so seeing her turn up in a film like this is jarring. Even more jarring is how the film’s release dominated the PR cycles for a hot second, then vanished, and then suddenly appeared on Netflix with zero fanfare.
The world doesn’t make much sense any more. Making even less sense is how un-raunchy No Hard Feelings is8, despite a 2-minute full frontal nude fight scene from Lawrence and its basic premise9. I would bet dollars to donuts that buried in the past is a version of this script with a lot of terrible, juvenile sex jokes that were removed to class the joint up for Lawrence, because she might be desperate for a hit of some sort but she’s still got that Academy Award, bitches. The end result is a mildly amusing film that suffers from one huge problem: It’s so scared of its own premise it totally undermines it10.
I Look Like I Fuck
Yes, this film is creepy AF. Forget gender politics—the whole idea is that the parents of a grown-ass adult with obvious emotional issues hire someone to pretend to like them, seduce them, and then abandon them. Forget the sex part, this is just emotional cruelty that’s only made palatable by the idea that a healthy, hetero 19-year old guy named Percy should of course want to bang someone who looks like Jennifer Lawrence, even if it costs him his dignity and emotional wellbeing.
Putting the creepiness aside, the whole idea here is that Percy is so damaged, shy, and awkward his parents are desperate to normalize him before he heads off to college11. We learn during the course of the film that Percy’s awkwardness combined with a nasty rumor made him the target of severe bullying in high school, and so his parents’ concern that he’ll repeat patterns in college aren’t totally off-base. But then the film makes a mistake: It’s so terrified of the creepiness of its core premise, it makes Percy ... kind of normal. Even cool12.
From the moment we meet him, Percy is ... fine. He’s not exactly assertive, he’s a little naive and shy, but he’s also funny, knows exactly what he wants and doesn’t want, fights back when threatened, and asks Maddie out on a date within an hour of meeting her. An hour13. This kid is supposed to be such a loser his parents resort to paid seduction to launch him out of the house, but he’s actually a baller. Percy comes across as a bit of a dork, yes, but there’s nary a hint of someone who’s doomed in life unless Jennifer Lawrence can make his toes curl14.
Don’t Fear the Premise
Of course, it’s easy to imagine what may have happened here: If Percy was a terminally shy, socially crippled loser Maddie’s attempts to seduce him would come off as much more predatory than they do. Instead of a desperate hottie gently pushing a shy guy 10 years her junior into a tryst, we’d have a monster preying on the weak. The latter would have been much funnier, albeit darker and creepier. Going full-throttle in the other direction would have worked too, making Percy actually very cool and very stable but in stealth ways his parents simply couldn’t see15.
Instead, the filmmakers settle for Bowdlerizing Percy, making him kind of passive and nerdy but also very charming and confident16. As a result, nothing in the film makes any sense. Maddie is almost instantly charmed by him, and every single reveal about his character demonstrates that this kid is going to be fine. As a result, all that’s left is the ... creepiness. One imagines that this is one of those movies that will not age well. Sometimes you look back just 10 years and it’s absolutely amazing what used to be acceptable to a mainstream audience17.
The moral of this story is simple: You’ve got to embrace your own premise. If it’s making you sad and uncomfortable to the point where you worry that people will judge you for writing it, it’s a sign that you should probably stop writing it. Wimping it down and trying to smooth out the offensive stuff probably won’t work, because that stuff is organic to the premise itself. All you can do is lean into it, or write something else.
Of course, this film also features The Stroke by Billy Squier on the soundtrack, which is remarkable for a film released in 2023 supposedly about people under 40, although it did briefly transport me back to my teen years. I promptly drank half a bottle of whiskey, refilled the bottle with tap water18, and passed out.
NEXT WEEK: 500 Days of Summer and a perfect scene.
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The last time I felt like I had my finger on the pulse of pop culture I was about 9 years old and had just successfully argued with my mother to let me eat dinner while watching Buck Rogers in the 25th Century. It’s all been downhill from there.
At some point films being rerun on TV will resemble old silent films, with everyone racing around like they’re on Benny Hill. Jebus, I’m dating myself with these footnotes.
Am I at full OLD MAN SHOUTS AT CLOUDS? Not yet, I don’t think. But … soon.
Will I go out to a theater and spend the GNP of a small nation without blinking an eye? Yes. Will I pay $20 for a rental in my living room because it’s “still in theaters”? NEVER.
Something had to. It certainly isn’t Jennifer Lawrence.
As an author whose career is all soft numbers, this was depressing. Please buy my books or pay $50 for my other Substack. I have many, many cats.
I mean, when you put the plot that way, it sounds disturbing.
There are now more penises and full-frontal nude scenes on television than in the movies. Up is down. Black is white.
I must admit, seeing Lawrence get kicked in the groin while totally naked will never not be hilarious. Although in the movies folks recover from getting kicked in the groin far too quickly. I got kicked in the groin in 1997 and I’m still recovering.
There was a time in my life when I would have done a lot of demeaning and potentially humiliating things to get my hands on a car. Today I only do those things for free drinks, because I have my dignity.
Wait, why are my ears burning? I HAD A NORMAL ADOLESCENCE, DAMN YOUR EYES.
Percy is so stable, in fact, that it’s immediately obvious that his life will be worse with someone like Maddie in it, which kind of undermines the whole concept.
When I was 19 asking someone out on a date was so emotionally challenging I usually waited approximately 7 years before I felt confident enough, which meant I often asked them out at their wedding and things were kind of awkward.
Generally speaking I think we’re all basically OK without Jennifer Lawrence in our lives.
That’s a premise I could get into: Parents so clueless about modern teen life they think their son is a loser, but it turns out he’s like King of the Teens with 3 million followers on TiKTok and his clueless parents just don’t get it. Wait, do kids still use TikTok?
Is PASSIVE AND NERDY BUT ALSO VERY CHARMING AND CONFIDENT the title of my memoir? You’re half right.
For example: Adam Sandler movies.
I’m still haunted by not knowing if my father ever figured out I was stealing his liquor throughout my childhood. If he did and said nothing, he is indirectly responsible for several humiliating moments in my life. If he had no idea, I have to question his intelligence, because that whiskey was basically light brown water by the time I was done with it.
Did you actually choose to watch this movie? I agree it won't age well. Can you imagine if the genders were reversed? A 19 yo guy is afforded so much more agency than a 19 yo woman! Really vile concept all around.